On Friday, we “enjoyed” some Missed Connections ads from male Sparkies. If you missed it, you can go back one post and catch up. Meanwile, we are in for some treats from the fairer sex.
And by treats, I mean a dick picture discussion. And a big black thing. And hospital shenanigans. This first Ms. Sparky has run out of patience.
you’ve got me waiting – w4m
And I’m annoyed. WTF am I supposed to do? You’ve got me at your mercy, and that is not something that I like or appreciate. I hate that actually. I’m irritated with the song and dance you have me playing. You owe me, in more ways than the obvious. Make an effort to make it right before I give up entirely and decide to write you off completely as a lost cause. I know you’re busy but that’s no excuse for lack of courtesy. I hate having people in my pocket, especially you. Get at me, at least show me that you give a fuck
The following post is the only one with a photo attached. You should be very happy about that.
Hot guy in really big black Mercedes Gwagon – w4m
I don’t know how to find you, my friends told me there’s a chance to post this ad on here.
We met a few times awhile ago at the Area Farms store in [Ish] Beach. We always talked about what we usually get there and you helped me with my groceries, youre really hottt. I can’t stop thinking about you. lately I have been going here a lot and i don’t see you anymore 😦 where did you go? 😦
I wrote your license plate down awhile ago so if you ended up reading my ad please send me a email. I loved to hangout sometime… Tell me what is your license plate and what color is my Range Rover.
Guys, I know this information in the next ad will come as a complete surprise and just in time to save your next relationship.
A tip for men on casual encounters – w4m (all over)
I am a female. Presently have a post on CE looking for something.
I know there are very few real women on CE. Believe me I know. I read their ads. I can tell the real women from spam and professionals. Can I just give you men a tip.
Me personally I don’t mind the dick pics. I’ve gotten some nice ones this past week . But when it comes with a message of , send pic, are you real, how is you. I don’t respond even though I loved your dick pic. Women respond better to whole sentences. Men that can hold a conversation. I know we are looking for dick but spend a email or two being nice and talking to us. Believe me you’ll go far. Women are funny beasts. We like that stuff. This can lead to alot of missed connections.
If only she shared how to tell real women from spam and pros. Oh well, on to the place where all good relationships end up. The Hospital.
Mr. Off Grid – w4m (St. [Delfinium]‘s Hospital)
You are, hands down, the coolest security guard ever. The fact that you’re easy on the eyes and covered in tattoos doesn’t hurt. You know as well as I do that you stepped right up to the line. I respect it, though. Maybe we will cross paths again under different circumstances. I bet in something other than a hospital gown that I might even turn your head.
I’m giving you an A-, -A. The final Sparkette asks that age old question.
how are you suppose to feel? – w4m (in my head)
after 3 months of dating and taking time to get to know each other what emotions are you suppose to feel ?im afraid I might feel too much I hold back but I show when I see him . whats in between like and love? never done this before never took the time to let it build so I dont know if I can say what I want to say without scaring him . Ive researched and analyzed it still cant get the answer maybe i will get the answer soon maybe hell tell me I really hope hes on the same page .
Can’t get the answers? Must be holding the Magic 8 Ball the wrong way. Isn’t this the spot in the romance books where the reader is yelling, “JUST ASK HIM!!!!”? Well, that’s our show for today, kids. See you on Wednesday.
Banded Buxom Beauty – m4w (Margarine Heights)
You were a vision of loveliness. You wore a white halter top and bike shorts, carrying a latte in one hand and a cherry wood pelmet in the other. Your silky skin had alternating bands of light and dark as if you’d tanned under a set of blinds which set off your brunette hair with sun-bleached tufts. You asked me for directions to the Cineplonk theater. I gave you directions to the strip club, because I thought it was funny — strip, stripes — and I’m a dick sometimes. I can’t stop thinking about you and that pelmet. If you’re interested, hit me up and tell me which direction my bulge was pointing.
– It is NOT okay to contact me with unsolicited offers of discount pharmaceuticals
Dionysian God – w4m (Left-hand District)
Oh my God your asymmetrical muscles. I don’t know what made you decide to only work out on side of your body but I found it so HOT! We were at Trader Jub’s and you helped me carry my groceries to my car. You were so cute, carrying bags of equal weight in each hand and walking like a set of tipped scales. You had blonde, stroppy hair and an ironic beard on the weak side of your head and were cue-bald with a close-cropped goatee on the strong side. Part hipster, part Mr. Clean, part gentle, part wild, all MAN! I need to find you again. E-Mail me and tell me who was in my trunk.
– It IS okay to contact me with sordid details of your last romantic encounter
Petite Brunette Bombshell – m4w (Bruce Forstythe Park)
Beautiful, you were. I spied you at the Mustardy Road subway station. It was a Saturday. You had long locks and a pink bow atop your head with a tuft sticking out the top in a manner I found most fetching. You looked like you had a fine pedigree. The way you walked was sinuous, more glide than gait. I admired from a distance in a suit and tie and cummerbund and was eating a large hoagie I know you noticed because you licked your lips. Get back to me and show me you’re real by telling me what colour your leash and collar were.
– It is NOT okay to send me unsolicited Milk Bones
I don’t know about this – m4w (Confused)
What am I doing here? My friend told me to post this here. I don’t know why. He said it might help me find someone. I don’t understand this computer thing. Is this on? Where are the people? I don’t see any people, just a lot of words. I guess words are okay, but they are not people. I have a slow loris. That’s an animal, not a condition. He is cute. Have you ever seen one eat a banana? I’ve been to Belgium. It’s a nice place. I once ate at a cafe where the baristas all wore dickies but no shirts. Cats are cool. Not slow loris cool, but pretty cool. Did you know slow lorises — lorises? Lorii? — are poisonous? They have a poison bite. I was once bitten by a gerbil. You wouldn’t think they’d be big enough to draw blood, but if your finger smells of Cheetos, they will think it’s a Cheeto and try to eat it. My penis looks like a Cheeto, only not orange. You can start a fire with an orange peel. Limonene is very flammable. I like bagels. I once fed a giraffe a carrot. I didn’t know they liked carrots. It’s not like they have a lot of carrots where they live and they’re too tall to dig for carrots anyway. Did you know that giraffes fight by whipping their heads at each other? It’s funny. Gary Grubbs once told me in that Texas accent of his that I was standing on his foot in an elevator. It was cool to meet a celebrity. Not slow loris cool, but pretty cool. Anyway, send me a note if you want. Or don’t. I don’t know about these things.
– It IS okay to contact me with anything. Anything at all. Please.
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I usually look for lady cravings on eBay.
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Uh [vogon haiku].
Yeah, I got nothin’
Really, dude with a $150,000 G-wagon is probably not trolling CL Misses Connections any more than the busy nurse at the Unspeakable Afflictions (yes, IF’s Nurse,Nurse cover band) Clinic.