Do you ever lay awake at night and wonder what the Sparkies in our world are getting up to now? What amazing headlines will greet you with your morning covfefe? Did some guy try to get the money out of a train station ticket machine by blowing it up? The results were not what he expected.

Maybe some whack job rolled his car while watching porn on his phone. Or while playing Pokemon Go encountered a real physical barrier and just kept on going. Yes, Darwin is paying close attention to our world right now. This one might be a contender.

Free dead tree

condition: salvage
make / manufacturer: Conifer
model name / number: Dead
size / dimensions: 40′ Tall

This tree is very, very dead. There’s apparently some question regarding ownership, but it’s only because nobody wants to be responsible for it when it falls over and kills an elderly person or a basket full of puppies. If some person with a chainsaw were to come in the dead of night, take it down, cut it up, and remove all the pieces, I’m sure everyone would be just tickled. Just don’t do something stupid, like drop it into the nearby utility pole, or onto the motorcycle sitting about 20 ft away. I don’t personally own the land, but I’m confident that nobody will complain if the damn tree just disappears.

Let’s break this down into manageable parts. First, no one wants to claim the tree because it needs expensive work done to it. Second, why do we have elderly people with a basket of puppies and a motorcycle in the area? Any one would be worrisome enough, but all three sounds like a set-up. Thirdly, a chainsaw in the dead of night? Sure, no one would notice the noise because they are all elderly or the puppies are making too much noise. Still, it’s very dangerous to be using a chain saw in the dark! You must bring a friend with a flashlight. Right, Ralph? Otherwise you might drop it on the utility poles and if you don’t have a get out of jail free card on you, you’re in serious trouble.

Thanks, Ralph, and thanks, Sparky! Tip of the hat to the Darwin Awards and News of the Weird.