Post 562: Family Values Van

I’m just sharing this amazing bit of writing that is very unusual to find on Craigslist. This is the Anti-Sparky. Read and enjoy!

2005 Ford E350 XL Extended 15 passenger van – $3800
**Update 7/30: my goodness, world. Wow. Thanks so much for all of the interest! I’ve loved reading your many emails, responses, and commiserations (yes, I googled to make sure that was a real word). Solidarity, fellow parents and vomit van drivers. I do think the van is sold (surprising me and likely all of you), but the deal hasn’t been finalized yet (the real world moves a bit slower than the internet world). Believe it or not, I have a waiting list to contact should the deal fall through. Amazing. My apologies if I don’t respond to your inquiries in a timely manner. Again, thank you for all the wonderful responses. It’s nice to know that we’re not alone in our smelly, intermittently cooled world.

Also, I’ve been asked by a number of wonderful people if I will leave the post up for awhile after the van is sold. Yes, I will. God bless!**


2005 ford e350
condition: fair
cylinders: 8 cylinders
fuel: gas
odometer: 143200
paint color: white
title status: clean
transmission: automatic
type: van

We’re selling our 2005 Ford E350 XL Extended 15 passenger van. Photos attached. In the interest of full disclosure, here’s more information and a partial list of its issues. Please read before making an offer. Thanks!

The van is missing a speaker in the side door. My kids have been throwing random items in the speaker hole for years. So, you may end up with some very special treasures. Or really old chicken nuggets. Probably both.

One side of the van has a yellow scuff mark on it. That’s courtesy of me and a battle with a yellow concrete parking divider (I did not win). The other side of the van has a matching white scuff mark. That one is courtesy of my wife. She completes me. In related news, you know how most cars these days come equipped with a fancy backup cameras? This one does not.

My wife and I have used this van for the better part of a decade. We’re a lovely couple, but we sometimes inadvertently back into inanimate objects. Also, we’ve been forced to take defensive driving class a few more times than the average American. That said, there are a number of other minor scratches, dents, and places where the paint is chipped on this vehicle.

When you open the side doors, the rubber door liner is detached in some places. It still does its job, but it looks stupid.

The van came equipped with automatic door locks. Unfortunately, they no longer work. Somehow, something got reversed and the locking motor ran without ceasing until the button was pressed and held down. Rather than taking the van to a repair shop like a normal person, I duct taped the button down to keep the motor from running. At some point the duct tape failed and the motor ran until it eventually burned up or something. Anyhow, the automatic door locks don’t work. Each door must be locked and unlocked manually. Duct tape is not included.

We’re a family of 11. Every one of our children has thrown up in this van at some point in the past decade–most notably, on this trip: We have had the van detailed a couple times since then (shout out to Xtreme Auto Re-Styling Center for tackling a level of depravity unrivaled in the world of passenger transport.) The van is clean now; but, it will probably always be inhabited by the ghost of vomit past.

The automatic windows work! This is good because the air conditioner does not. Well, it sort of works and sort of doesn’t. It works fine until you accelerate past ~45 miles per hour. After that, the gas pedal essentially functions as an on/off switch for the air conditioner. Accelerate = AC off. Decelerate = AC on. I don’t understand why. But, then again, as you’ve probably gathered by now, I don’t understand most things about cars.

The windshield is cracked.

There’s a 20″ tv mounted to the ceiling. It works and is connected to an in-dash DVD player. This is a handy feature as it helps distract kids from the intermittent air conditioning and smell of decaying chicken nuggets.

I don’t think that the front speakers work. Actually, just assume that they don’t. Better yet, if you’re wondering if some particular part of the van works, just assume it doesn’t work in the way that Ford originally intended it to work.

I looked the van up on Kelley Blue Book. $4,396. Unfortunately, Kelley Blue Book only allows me to choose between the following conditions: excellent, very good, good, and fair. I chose “fair” since “sad” was not an option. I’ve adjusted my asking price accordingly.

The heater works. Also, the van has a hitch and wiring for a trailer.

In order to save myself a bit of time answering requests for more information, I’ve decided to add a FAQ section below:


Q: “Have you performed all proper maintenance and religiously changed the oil every 3,000 miles?”

A: [laughter] No. No, I have not. Does this article make you feel better? It made me feel better.

Q: “Are those 143,000 miles mostly highway miles?”

A: Well, a lot of them are. However, we’ve been using this van as our farm van for the past year or so. Also, in efforts to find quicker routes, I’ve been known to disobey Siri’s directions. These “shortcuts” have sometimes taken us on exotic, off-road adventures. I’m pretty sure those miles cancel out all of the so-called “highway miles.”

Q: “Is the registration current?”

A: Yes! It should be noted, however, that first 3 letters of the current license plate are FRT. We have five boys under the age of 12 in our house. This is a very unfortunate combination.

Q: “How are the tires and the brakes?”

A: They seem to be ok; but, as with everything else, I recommend getting them checked out. I did buy the tires at Discount Tire, so there’s a warranty with them.

One last note: I recommend getting this thing checked over by a mechanic before buying. Everything under the hood looks and sounds fine to me; but, then again, I would have no idea if it didn’t look or sound right.

Thanks to my YSaC friend, Kaziganthi, for posting this where I could steal it.


3 thoughts on “Post 562: Family Values Van

  1. The shafts is bent and the rear end leaks. You can fix her quick with oil and a rag. Use a nail for the starter, I lost the key. Don’t pay no mind to that whirring sound. She uses a little oil, but outside that, she’s cherry.
    C. W. McCall

    Liked by 1 person

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